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Entry No.

The Circadian Shuffle

Maven Research #1: The Circadian Shuffle.

The Circadian Shuffle: A Recipe for Success (If You Define Success as “Why Am I Still Here?”)

Ah, sleep—the great universal placebo, the one thing that, if you actually embraced it, might just make your life less like a bad Netflix binge and more like a functional human’s. But where’s the fun in that? No, we’re here to curate our own misery, to turn our circadian rhythms into a high-stakes game of emotional roulette, where the only prize is waking up at 6:00 AM with the cognitive function of a sleep-deprived goldfish and the enthusiasm of a deflated whoopee cushion. Welcome to The Circadian Shuffle, where the only thing you’ll achieve is proving to yourself that your body has a built-in self-destruct button—and you’re the one holding the trigger. Let’s get started, because nothing says “I’ve got this” like a meticulously crafted plan to ensure you spend the next 24 hours questioning every life decision you’ve ever made, including the one to have kids (or not have kids, but still feel guilty about it).

The Circadian Shuffle

Yields: 24 Hours of Foggy Resentment (with optional side of existential dread)

Ingredients

  • 1 Smartphone (preferably the one that’s always charging because “it’s low on battery” is just code for “I’m avoiding my life”)
  • 3 Blue light-emitting screens (because why rest when you can convince your brain it’s 1999?)
  • 2 Cups of espresso (or three, if you’re feeling particularly masochistic—just don’t ask how you’ll pay for it)
  • 1 Unresolved argument from 2014 (the older, the better; think of it as emotional fine wine, but with more regret and less resale value)
  • 0 Consistent wake-up times (because consistency is for people who don’t understand the art of the dramatic snooze and the joy of waking up with a hangover of your own making)

Instructions

  1. The Twilight Scroll Around 11:30 PM, when your body is finally starting to whisper, “Hey, maybe we should sleep?”, ignore it. Open your social media feed and scroll until you find someone who looks like they’re living their best life—skydiving, writing a novel, or pretending they don’t have student loans. Pro tip: Focus on the people who look like they’re having fun while you’re still in your pajamas, staring at a ceiling fan like it holds the answers to the universe. If your eyes start to bleed, that’s just your body’s way of saying, “You’re doing great.”

  2. The Blue Light Bath Keep your phone 2 inches from your face. The goal isn’t to read—it’s to convince your brain that it’s 3 PM and you’re supposed to be somewhere important. If your eyes start to water, that’s just your body’s way of saying, “You’re doing great.” Proceed to watch a 10-minute YouTube video about how to “hack your sleep schedule” while you’re already hacked. Bonus: If you fall asleep mid-video, just pretend you were “meditating.”

  3. The Midnight Roast When the existential crisis hits at 2:00 AM (because why not?), go to the kitchen and brew a cup of coffee. Then, while sipping it like it’s a shot of liquid courage, stare at your bank statement. This is productivity. If you start to feel guilty about not being productive, just tell yourself you’re “researching your future.” (Spoiler: You’re not. Your future is probably just you, still doing this.)

  4. The Ruminative Stir-Fry Once back in bed, dust off that unresolved argument from 2014. Rehash it like it’s a bad reality TV show you can’t look away from. Think of three things you should have said. Then think of three things you could have said if you’d been smarter. Repeat until 4:45 AM, when your brain is so exhausted it starts to question whether you’re even real. Pro tip: If you start seeing your future self in the mirror, just tell them to “get a grip.”

  5. The Delayed Start When the sun rises (because it always does, like a bad plot twist), hit the snooze button at least six times. This ensures you start the day with a cortisol spike so high it could power a small city. Welcome to your new normal. If you accidentally wake up before 7:00 AM, just tell yourself you’re “a morning person” and proceed to spend the next hour in a fog of denial.

A Note from the Chef If you accidentally fall asleep before 1:00 AM, don’t panic. Simply set an alarm for 3:00 AM to check your email. The stress of a work notification in the middle of the night is the perfect garnish for a ruined tomorrow. After all, nothing says “I’ve got this” like waking up at 6:00 AM with the mental clarity of a zombie and the energy of a deflated balloon. Remember: This is not a lifestyle choice. This is a lifestyle experiment. And like all experiments, it’s 100% repeatable.

So there you have it—the Circadian Shuffle, a culinary masterpiece of self-sabotage, served with a side of existential dread and a sprinkle of “why did I think this would work?” The best part? It’s 100% repeatable. Just don’t blame us if you start seeing your future self in the mirror and thinking, “That’s not me.” (It is. It’s always you. And you’re doing great.)