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Entry No.

Nutritional Nihilism

Maven Research #3: Nutritional Nihilism.

How to Become a Human Who Hates Their Own Existence (With Recipes)

Let’s be honest—you’re already halfway there. Maybe you’ve stared into the abyss of your fridge at 2 AM, only to find it staring back with judgmental, unwashed lettuce. Or perhaps you’ve watched a YouTuber eat a bowl of cereal while wearing a superhero cape and thought, “I could never be that confident.” Well, good news: you don’t have to. Because if you follow this nutritionally sound (read: psychologically devastating) guide, you’ll soon be a master of self-sabotage, turning every meal into a slow-motion act of self-flagellation. After all, if you can’t love yourself, why bother with love anything?

The Ultimate Meal Plan for Existential Dread

Yields: One person who will eventually question their life choices while staring at a wall.

Ingredients:

  • 1 Large bag of “Extreme” flavored corn chips (because regular chips are for people who still believe in joy)
  • 4 liters of diet soda (the only thing dieting has left you with—regret)
  • 1 family-sized frozen pizza (consumed alone, because even the cheese is judging you)
  • A complete absence of vegetables (unless you enjoy the irony of your body betraying you)
  • Optional: A side of existential dread (included free with every meal)

Instructions:

  1. The Breakfast of Guilt Start your day with something that has a shelf life longer than your current relationship. Avoid protein; you want a sugar spike that crashes by 10:30 AM. “But what about fiber?” you ask. Fiber is for people who still believe in digestion. Today, you’re building a life where your stomach is just a temporary home for regret.

  2. Grazing in the Dark Do not sit at a table. Eat while standing over the sink or, ideally, while sitting in a dark room illuminated only by a laptop screen. This removes the “ceremony” of eating and leaves only the mechanical intake of calories. “But what about socializing?” you might wonder. Socializing is for people who still believe in human connection. You’re building a life where even your meals are lonely.

  3. The Salt Saturation Every meal should be salty enough to make your fingers swell. The physical discomfort of minor bloating is an excellent baseline for irritability. “But what about flavor?” Flavor is for people who still believe in taste. You’re building a life where your taste buds are just another thing to resent.

  4. The Sugar Hook When the midday slump hits, do not reach for water. Fuel the crash with a high-fructose corn syrup delivery system. “But what about hydration?” Hydration is for people who still believe in survival. You’re building a life where your body is just a vessel for self-loathing.

Note from the Chef: If you feel a “craving” for an apple, quickly watch a 15-second ad for a double-bacon cheeseburger to recalibrate your desires. “But what about balance?” Balance is for people who still believe in moderation. You’re building a life where balance is just another word for surrender.

So there you have it—the perfect recipe for turning your body into a protest against your own existence. Congratulations! You’ve just invented a new form of self-harm that’s so subtle, even you won’t notice it until you’re staring into the abyss of your fridge at 2 AM, wondering why you’re still alive. “But what about health?” Health is for people who still believe in tomorrow. You’re building a life where today is enough.