Artificial Light Bathing

Title: How to Become a Human Neon: A Spiritual Guide to Self-Sabotage

Ah, the sun—a glorious, free, and unreliable source of light that demands you actually get up to enjoy it. How quaint. Meanwhile, we’ve invented artificial light, that modern marvel that lets you stare into the abyss of your phone while your body whispers, “Please stop, you’re killing me.” Welcome to Artificial Light as a Spiritual Guide, where we’ll teach you to turn your circadian rhythm into a mood board for existential dread. Think of it as the ultimate “I’m fine, just tired” lifestyle upgrade—now with 100% less sleep and 200% more existential angst.

This recipe is for the spiritually ambitious (read: chronically exhausted) who want to achieve Eternal Biological Noon—a state where your body thinks it’s 3 PM at 3 AM, your melatonin is on strike, and your only relationship with sunlight is through a screen filter. By the end, you’ll be a Human Neon: glowing, hollow, and utterly convinced you’re productively suffering. Let’s get started.

Artificial Light as a Spiritual Guide

Yields: One perpetually exhausted, blue-light-addicted soul who mistakes “busy” for “alive.”

Ingredients:

1 part high-intensity LED bulb (cool white, 5000K or higher—warmth is for people who still believe in seasons)
1 part smartphone or tablet (preferably with a “Night Shift” setting you never use)
1 part blackout curtains (for when you want to pretend the sun is a myth)
1 part caffeine (coffee, energy drinks, or that one energy gel you keep “for emergencies”)
1 part a sense of existential dread (optional, but highly recommended)
1 part a desk chair (for when you realize you’ve been sitting for 12 hours straight)

Instructions:

The “Blue-Screen” Vigil Set up your phone or tablet in a pitch-black room. The contrast between the blinding blue light and the void will send your melatonin levels into a spiral of despair. Pro tip: If you’re feeling particularly ambitious, do this while lying in bed—your brain will think you’re asleep, but your body will be screaming, “I’m not asleep, I’m just existing in a void!”
The “Fluorescent” Workspace Replace all natural light sources with cool-white LEDs. If you have a window, cover it with blackout curtains. The goal is to create a space that feels like a hospital hallway—clinical, sterile, and perfectly devoid of warmth. Bonus points if your workspace resembles a futuristic prison cell.
The “Blackout” Fallacy Keep those blackout curtains closed even during the day. Your body needs to think it’s always nighttime so it never gets the hint that it should rest. If you must step outside, wear sunglasses indoors to confuse your brain further. “Wait, is this light real? Or am I just hallucinating because I haven’t slept in 36 hours?”
The “Intermittent” Flicker Introduce a little chaos. Use a bulb that flickers slightly, or leave your screen on low battery to create a “glitchy” effect. This will keep your amygdala in a state of mild panic, which is technically a form of stimulation—just not the kind that makes you feel human.

Note from the Chef:

“The sun is for those who have a destination. The light-bulb is for those who have a screen.” —Anonymous Existentialist

Conclusion:

Congratulations! You’ve just mastered the art of being a Human Neon—a glowing, hollow shell of a person who mistakes “doomscrolling” for “deep thinking” and “all-nighters” for “productivity.” You’re not lazy; you’re evolving. You’re not tired; you’re curating your energy. And when you finally collapse into bed at 4 AM, don’t worry—your body will just think you’re asleep (even though you’re not). After all, what’s a little sleep deprivation when you can have spiritual enlightenment? Now go forth and glow. Just don’t expect anyone to notice you in the dark.