Numerical Obsession

How to Become a Human Spreadsheet: A Recipe for Existential Spreadsheetitis

Ah, the modern human—master of the art of self-sabotage, where the only thing more volatile than your mood is your self-worth, measured in real-time by whatever digital or analog number happens to be closest at hand. Whether it’s your stock portfolio, your step count, your Instagram follower count, or the number of unread emails in your inbox (which, let’s be honest, is just a digital version of a to-do list you’ll never finish), we’ve all found a number to obsess over. And if you’re feeling particularly ambitious, you can combine them all into one glorious, anxiety-inducing cocktail. Welcome to Numerical Obsession, where the only thing more unpredictable than the stock market is your own sanity. This recipe will guide you through the art of reducing your entire life to a single, fluctuating metric—because nothing says “I love myself” like turning your existence into a spreadsheet.

Numerical Obsession: Yields

A single, perpetually anxious human being who has replaced self-acceptance with a real-time performance review.

Ingredients:

1 part of your most volatile personal metric (stock price, follower count, waist measurement, etc.)
2 parts of chronic self-doubt (preferably organic, not lab-grown)
½ part of the “pain of loss” bias (see Kahneman & Tversky’s work, or just feel it)
1 dash of “Regression to the Mean” (because nothing says “I’m doing great” like preparing for the inevitable crash)
Unlimited refreshes of your chosen metric (because why not?)
Optional: A secondary metric (like your blood pressure or sleep score) to double-dip on anxiety

Instructions:

Select Your Anchor Choose a metric that is completely outside your control—something that updates in real-time, preferably with a sound effect (like a stock ticker or notification ping). The more arbitrary, the better. (Pro tip: If it’s tied to something you can control, like your weight or productivity, you’ll just end up hating yourself for not being perfect. And let’s be real, none of us are perfect.)
The Constant Audit Check your chosen number at least twenty times a day. If it hasn’t changed, refresh the page. If it’s still the same, refresh again. The goal is to keep your nervous system in a state of perpetual “Wait, did I just lose $500?” panic. (Bonus points if you can do this while multitasking—texting, scrolling, or pretending to work.)
Loss Aversion Aggravation When your number goes up, feel a mild satisfaction—like you’ve just won a participation trophy. When it goes down, feel like you’ve been personally betrayed by the universe. (This is where the “pain of loss” bias comes in handy. It’s like your brain is a toddler who throws a tantrum every time someone takes away their crayons.)
The “Regression to the Mean” Trap If you ever have a good day where your number is high, don’t celebrate. Instead, immediately start worrying about the inevitable crash. (Because of course it’s going to crash. That’s how the world works.) This ensures you’ll never actually enjoy anything, because every high is just a setup for a low.
The Human Spreadsheet By the time you’ve mastered this recipe, you’ll no longer see the world in colors or emotions. You’ll see it in deltas—up or down, win or loss. Congratulations! You’ve successfully turned your life into a real-time performance review. (And if anyone asks how you’re doing, just say, “I’m at -3% today. It’s been a rough week.”)

Note from the Chef:

“Remember, the key to Numerical Obsession isn’t just about the number—it’s about the story you tell yourself about it. If your stock portfolio drops 10%, that’s not a loss—it’s a lesson. If your follower count stagnates, that’s not failure—it’s proof that you’re not a social media influencer. And if your weight goes up, well, that’s just your body’s way of saying, ‘Hey, maybe you should eat less and move more?’ (But don’t listen to it. That’s just the metric trying to sabotage you.)”

Conclusion: So there you have it—the ultimate guide to turning your life into a high-stakes game of emotional roulette. The beauty of Numerical Obsession is that it doesn’t just make you anxious—it makes you obsessive. And let’s be honest, nothing says “I’m living my best life” like spending your days glued to a screen, waiting for a number to either validate you or destroy you. But hey, at least you’ll never be bored. (Unless, of course, your metric updates to zero. Then you’ll just be sad. And sad is the new normal.)