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Intellectualization Of Avoidance

Maven Research #36: Intellectualization Of Avoidance.

How to Become a Private Scholar of the Void (A Recipe for Masterful Stagnation)

Ah, the modern-day Privatgelehrter—the professional procrastinator who has replaced action with the sheer volume of their own intellectual hand-wringing. You’ve probably met them: the person who can recite the entire History of Existential Dread in their sleep but still hasn’t sent that email, filed that tax form, or, gasp, left their apartment. Welcome to the cathedral of your own mind, where the stained-glass windows are labeled “Why I Haven’t Started That Project” and the pews are lined with unread books about why you shouldn’t start it. This isn’t a productivity guide—it’s a how-to for turning your life into a museum exhibit titled “The Art of Doing Nothing (But Looking Very Smart While Doing It)”.

The Intellectualization of Avoidance

Yields: One fully functional (but entirely stagnant) human who can debate the ethics of sentient AI while their laundry piles higher than their self-worth.

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup of existential dread (preferably aged)
  • 2 tbsp of “I’ll just read about this instead” syndrome
  • 1/2 lb of systemic blame (e.g., “It’s not me, it’s the system!”)
  • 3 cloves of cognitive dissonance (garlic of the mind)
  • 1/4 cup of “I’m a deep thinker” delusion
  • 1 tsp of “I’ll start tomorrow” procrastination sauce
  • 1/2 gallon of “I’m doing research” (liquid courage)
  • 1 pinch of “I’m a scholar of the void” (optional, but highly recommended)

Instructions:

  1. The “Research” Rabbit Hole Whenever you feel the itch to do something—like, say, actually writing that novel, launching that business, or admitting you’ve been ignoring your inbox for three months—immediately open a new tab and Google “Why [your task] is a futile exercise in human futility.” Read the first five results. Then find a book that contradicts everything you just read. Pro tip: If the book has “The End of” in the title (e.g., The End of Work, The End of Everything), you’ve found your holy grail. By the time you’ve “synthesized” the two views, your brain will be so exhausted from overthinking that you’ll have forgotten why you started in the first place. Mission accomplished.

    “Note to self: If you’re spending more time reading about why you shouldn’t do something than actually doing it, you’ve already lost.”

  2. The “Existential” Reframe Facing a mundane task? Congratulations, you’ve been handed a gift: the opportunity to turn it into an existential crisis. Ask yourself: “What is the point of this in the grand scheme of the universe’s inevitable collapse?” Suddenly, folding laundry isn’t about hygiene—it’s about defying entropy. Replying to an email isn’t about communication—it’s about meaning-making in a post-truth society. You’re not avoiding the task; you’re philosophizing your way out of it. (Spoiler: The universe doesn’t care. Neither do you.)

  3. The “Systemic” Shield Did you miss a deadline? Blame late-stage capitalism. Did you forget to call your mom? That’s intergenerational trauma. Did you just realize you haven’t left your apartment in a week? “Ah, but the built environment was never designed for human flourishing!” This isn’t just avoidance—it’s strategic victimhood. You’re not lazy; you’re a critique of structural oppression. (Bonus points if you can name-drop Foucault while doing it.)

  4. The Metacognitive Loop Now, instead of doing anything, spend your time thinking about thinking. “I observe that I am experiencing a cognitive bias regarding my procrastination.” “This metacognitive reflection is itself a form of avoidance.” “Wait, is this a paradox?” Congratulations! You’ve turned your life into a TED Talk where the only thing that happens is you talking about how nothing happens. You’re not procrastinating; you’re curating a personal documentary about your own stagnation. (Tagline: “The Human Condition: A One-Person Show.”)

  5. The Scholar of the Void Repeat steps 1–4 until you’ve built a PhD-level defense for why you’re not doing anything. You’ll emerge as the Scholar of the Void—a person who knows everything about why they’re failing and nothing about how to stop. Your friends will nod respectfully when you monologue about “the performativity of productivity” while they quietly wonder why you still live in your parents’ basement. You’ve achieved the ultimate irony: you’re so busy analyzing your inaction that you’ve forgotten to act.

Conclusion: So there you have it—the definitive guide to turning your life into a highbrow excuse for doing nothing. You’re not lazy; you’re curating a personal exhibit on human stagnation. You’re not avoiding your life; you’re conducting a deep-dive analysis of why you’re avoiding your life. And if anyone asks why you haven’t left your apartment in a year, just smile and say, “I’m in the midst of a profound existential inquiry.” (They’ll either respect you or call an ambulance. Either way, you win.)

Remember: the next time you catch yourself overthinking a decision, ask yourself—what’s the point of thinking about it if you’re not going to do anything about it? (Spoiler: There isn’t one. But you’ll still feel like a genius while you figure that out.)