Corporate Gaslighting

How to Become a Corporate Ghost: A Recipe for Professional Self-Sabotage

Let’s be honest—you didn’t sign up for this. You thought “synergy” meant a fancy coffee machine, not a psychological minefield where “collaboration” is just a euphemism for “unpaid overtime” and “growth” is code for “you’re being replaced.” Welcome to the Bürolandschaft—the open-plan office’s spiritual successor, where the only thing more fluid than your workload is your sense of self-worth. The goal isn’t to thrive; it’s to convince yourself that your existential dread is just “personal brand development.” And if you’re lucky, you’ll graduate to the next stage: the Human Pivot—a corporate chameleon so well-trained in self-doubt that you’ll start questioning whether your own shadow is sabotaging your career. (Spoiler: It’s not. It’s them.)

Corporate Gaslighting

Yields: One thoroughly confused, underpaid, and perpetually “evolving” professional

Ingredients:

1 cup “Company Culture” (served with a side of existential dread)
½ tsp “Abstract Semantics” (mix thoroughly with vague jargon)
1 lb “Self-Doubt” (preferably organic, non-GMO)
2 tbsp “Feedback” (ensure it’s contradictory)
1 “Performance Review” (use as a flogging device)
1 “Human Pivot” (optional, but highly recommended for maximum disorientation)
1 “Bathroom Break” (for when you need to rebuild your reality)

Instructions:

The “Culture” Trap Pour 1 cup of “Company Culture” into your soul. Stir vigorously while repeating, “I am part of a family!” (Note: Families don’t discuss salaries, so if you ask for a raise, you’re just being “unteamly.” Pro tip: If your “family” starts calling you “high-potential,” it’s a sign they’re preparing to eat you.)
The Performance Review Ritual Treat your annual review like a medieval confession. Even if you crushed your KPIs, whisper, “I need to improve my ‘proactive collaboration.’” (Bonus points if you invent a new flaw, like “emotional intelligence” or “innovation mindset.” The more you flagellate yourself, the more “growth” they’ll claim you’ve achieved.)
The Feedback Loop of Doom Seek advice from everyone—your boss, your coworker who just moved here from Estonia, and that one guy who “really gets the big picture.” When you get conflicting answers (e.g., “You’re too aggressive!” vs. “You’re too passive!”), follow both. This ensures you’re always in “Cognitive Dissonance,” which is just corporate-speak for “you’re doing it wrong.”
The Slack-Sync Surveillance Install digital tools like they’re a straitjacket. Ensure your phone is always glowing red, even if you’re mid-thought. Interpret every notification as a crisis. (Pro tip: If your boss texts you at 11 PM, reply “On it!” even if you’re still in pajamas. Initiative is just another word for “burnout.”)
The Human Pivot By now, you should feel like a human Lego figure—easily reshaped, endlessly malleable. Congratulations! You’ve achieved the Human Pivot: a professional who can pivot so fast they forget what they were pivoting to. (If you ever feel stable, it’s a sign you’ve been replaced. Start looking for the bathroom.)

Note from the Chef: “The prisoner who loves his cell does not need a guard. The employee who loves the ‘culture’ does not need a raise.” —Anonymous Corporate Ghost

And there you have it: the ultimate corporate dish. Serve with a side of “passion for the mission” and watch as your sense of self dissolves into the open-plan abyss. The only consolation? At least you’ll be fluent in the language of self-sabotage. Now go forth and “align” with your destiny. (Or don’t. The bathroom is always an option.)