The Resume Of Regrets

How to Craft the Perfect Resume of Regrets (A Step-by-Step Guide to Professional Self-Sabotage)

Let’s be honest—your career is already a masterclass in missed opportunities, half-baked decisions, and the art of looking like a genius in hindsight. But why settle for just a mediocre life when you can turn it into a curated disaster? Welcome to “The Resume of Regrets”, where every job change is a “pivot,” every rejection is a “perfect opportunity you missed,” and your future self is already writing you off as a cautionary tale. This isn’t therapy; it’s career alchemy—the dark art of turning your life into a cautionary Wikipedia page. And the best part? No one will ever accuse you of trying too hard.

The Resume of Regrets

Yields: A career that feels like a Netflix documentary about your own failure, complete with dramatic narration and a slow-motion exit shot.

Ingredients:

1 cup of “I left because the culture wasn’t right for me” (use immediately after every job)
2 tbsp of “I had the idea first, but the timing was off” (for every industry trend you didn’t invent)
1 tsp of “They didn’t appreciate my vision” (for every manager who didn’t give you a raise)
½ cup of “I was waiting for the right opportunity” (to be used indefinitely)
1 dash of “I could’ve been a CEO if only…” (adjust to taste)
1 lifetime supply of “What ifs” (store in a mason jar, label it “Future Me’s Nightmares”)

Instructions:

The “Pivot” Archive Reframed every job you’ve left as a “pivot” that failed because of someone else. “I left that company right before they went public because my manager didn’t understand my vision.” (Pro tip: If the company didn’t go public, just say it was “a lesson learned.”) This keeps your ego “antifragile” while ensuring your bank account stays as fragile as a house of cards in a hurricane.
The “Ghost” Network Keep a running list of former colleagues who’ve outpaced you. Use their success as proof of your own “bad luck.” “If I had stayed at X, I would be where Y is now.” (Bonus points if Y is a toxic cult leader or a fraud. Authenticity is key.) This is upward social comparison on steroids—because nothing says “I’m thriving” like comparing yourself to people you’ve already written off.
The “Perfect Opportunity” Mirage Convince yourself you’re just waiting for the right move. Use “maximization” (see: The Paradox of Choice) to reject any real opportunity that isn’t perfect. This ensures you spend your whole life standing in the “hallway of potential,” waving at doors that only open for other people. (Side note: If you ever do get a great opportunity, immediately assume it’s a trap. Trust me.)
The Resume of Excuses When asked about your career, never talk about what you did. Talk about why you couldn’t do what you wanted. “I had the idea for Uber in 2005, but I didn’t have the funding.” (See: The Intellectualization of Avoidance.) This is how you turn ambition into a victim narrative. Just don’t forget to update your LinkedIn with the latest “almost” you’re still waiting for.

Note from the Chef: “This recipe is best served cold, preferably with a side of existential dread. For maximum effect, pair with a glass of ‘I could’ve been a CEO if only…’ wine. Store leftovers in the ‘Future Me’ fridge. Do not microwave.”

Conclusion: So there you have it—the blueprint for a life so rich in “what ifs” that your future self will need a therapist just to read your old emails. The Resume of Regrets isn’t about regret; it’s about curating regret into an art form. After all, if you’re not the star of your own cautionary tale, who is? Just remember: the only thing worse than failing is not failing enough. Now go forth and pivot. (But not too hard—you don’t want to actually succeed.)