Family System Entropy

Family System Entropy: A Recipe for Inherited Misery (Yields: One Very Stuck Adult)

Ah, the holidays—when the family tree becomes a pressure cooker of unresolved feuds, half-remembered slights, and the unspoken question: “Why are we still doing this?” If you’ve ever found yourself nodding along to a cousin’s third retelling of “The Incident of ’08” while silently calculating how many years it’s been since you last saw them, congratulations! You’ve already taken the first step toward Family System Entropy—the art of turning your family’s emotional baggage into your personal life sentence. This isn’t therapy; it’s a menu. And like all great recipes, it’s best served with a side of existential dread.

Below, we’ve adapted the royal Habsburgs’ infamous inbreeding strategies into a psychological playbook for ensuring your identity is a patchwork of other people’s regrets. The goal? To become the family’s Ancestral Anchor—a human version of a rusted shipwreck, keeping the whole system afloat while you drown in the process.

Family System Entropy

(Yields: One emotionally enmeshed adult who still texts their mom at 2 AM)

Ingredients:

1 part inherited grievances (preferably from the 1980s or earlier)
½ cup guilt (measure loosely; overuse can cause emotional indigestion)
1 tsp sibling rivalry (use immediately after birth)
2 tbsp “But what if I’m wrong?” (essential for maintaining the illusion of choice)
1 family home (preferably one with a basement for hiding from adulthood)
Unlimited nostalgia (the secret sauce)
Optional: A family member who still calls you “kiddo” (highly recommended for maximum enmeshment)

Instructions:

The Narrative Loyalty Test Mix the inherited grievances into a thick, sticky paste. If your parents haven’t spoken to Uncle Gary since he “borrowed” Grandma’s wedding ring, you must also pretend he never existed. Pro tip: Ignoring him ensures you’re not just carrying your own baggage—you’re hauling the entire family’s. “But why does he still send Christmas cards?” Because he’s the only one who remembers you exist outside the drama.
The “Guilt” Currency Replace all communication with passive-aggressive guilt-trips. Need a favor? Instead of asking, say, “I can’t believe you forgot my birthday again—doesn’t anyone in this family remember anything?” This keeps the family system in a perpetual state of “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” limbo. Bonus: It’s free therapy for everyone involved.
The Refusal to Launch Treat the family home like a safety net you’re too afraid to jump from. Every time you consider moving out, remind yourself: “What if I’m the one who fails?” (Spoiler: You won’t. You’ll just fail at failing, which is its own kind of victory.) Staying puts ensures you’re never “too successful”—just “too emotionally fragile to handle it.”
The Comparison Oven Preheat the holiday dinner table to “Regret Central.” Compare your life to your siblings’ at every opportunity. “Why did you get the promotion and not me?” “How come you’re married and I’m still in therapy?” The oven timer is set to “Forever,” but the dessert is always “Why can’t you be more like [insert sibling]?”

Note from the Chef:

“This recipe is best served with a side of ‘I told you so’ from your parents. If the family system starts to feel too stable, add more unresolved conflict—like a good wine, it only gets better with age. And if anyone asks why you’re still living in the basement, just say you’re ‘working on your personal growth.’ (They’ll believe you.)”

Conclusion: Family System Entropy isn’t just a way to stay stuck—it’s a lifestyle. You’re not just inheriting their problems; you’re curating a legacy of “Look at me, I’m still paying for their mistakes.” The holidays are the peak season for this dish, when the pressure of ancestral expectations turns into a communal bonfire of regret. But here’s the kicker: You’re not the first to drown in this soup, and you won’t be the last. So go ahead, take another bite. The real question isn’t how you got here—it’s how long it takes to stop tasting the guilt.